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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27885463">Not so bad.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/carefulfleshgnawer/pseuds/carefulfleshgnawer'>carefulfleshgnawer</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Feelings of guilt, Gen, Shima-Centric, manslaughter... or is it?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:47:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,673</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27885463</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/carefulfleshgnawer/pseuds/carefulfleshgnawer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Renzou goes on a mission. </p>
<p>It's succesful, but leaves him thinking about things.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>No Romantic Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Not so bad.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This isn’t so bad. This is just fine. He can- he can handle it all. No problem.</p>
<p>Renzou breathes deeply through his nose. He’s so cold. He’s so hot. He can’t feel his limbs anymore. He can’t move.</p>
<p>“<em>Calm down,</em>” Yamantaka whispers gently in his ear, “<em>It’s over. Get going.</em>”</p>
<p>Renzou looks down. It doesn’t feel over. It feels like he’s started something he can’t possibly end. But… it almost looks like the man is sleeping. There’s no blood. He’s just lying there, unmoving.</p>
<p>Renzou feels sick; he leans against the wall for balance. The room is spinning.</p>
<p>Is this who he wants to be? Is this what he wants to become? Fuck, <em>what has he done</em>?</p>
<p>“Did you take care of it?” Homare’s dry voice speaks into his ear through the earpiece, “keep going, Shima.”</p>
<p>It’s so easy for her. So easy for the Illuminati. Lives are just numbers and murder is just a tool in their arsenal. They don’t care and they have no innocence to lose. Not like him.</p>
<p>“Yeah, sorry, I-” Renzou whispers, tight, feeling bile at the back of his throat, “just a second.”</p>
<p>“<em>Don’t admit weakness</em>,” Yamantaka scolds, “<em>not to them.</em> You want them to respect you. Just push it down and go.”</p>
<p>There’s quiet on the other side of the line. She’s waiting. Probably making a note in her file. Something derisive and cold. ‘Shima Renzou remains too soft.’ He can imagine her handwriting, perfect and clinical, if he closes his eyes.</p>
<p>One last breath and he pushes off the wall. He needs to go. He’s running out of <em>time</em>. The alarm might go off at any moment. More guards might show up. He’s alone and it’s not like he can keep Yamantaka out for forever.</p>
<p>“Where do I go from here?” he asks Homare, voice deceptively even and lighthearted.</p>
<p>“Take the west corridor until door labeled 53,” Homare answers with no pause, with no acknowledgement that he’s pulled himself together so quickly after-</p>
<p>“How many on the way?” he asks, grip tightening on the khakkhara. It jangles, but the sound is far from soothing. It’s ominous and foreboding.</p>
<p>“Three more, looks like,” Homare answers, “but the sensors might be missing something - stay sharp.”</p>
<p>Three more. He can do that. Renzou lights the tip of his spear with black flames and tries not to feel nauseous.</p>
<p>“<em>Just pull it out quicker this time</em>,” Yamantaka suggests, “<em>and aim lower - the belly will not be not as tender</em>.”</p>
<p>Renzou nods. “Yeah… aim lower, pull it out quicker,” he mutters once, and then again. Then once more. He needs to- he needs to get this right, or else he’ll-</p>
<p>“<em>Around the corner</em>,” his familiar hisses, “<em>Renzou, focus!</em>”</p>
<p>Renzou steels himself before he goes in for the final stretch. He has a mission to fulfill. He has an artefact to retrieve. </p>
<p>He has enemies to neutralise, but not<em> kill</em>.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>The way back to their pick up point is awfully dreary. Renzou sits with the khakkhara tucked between his thighs, half curled over it protectively. It jangles softly as the van hits potholes. The squad speaks lowly and jokes among themselves - small talk and plans for the evening.</p>
<p>Normally, Renzou would be trying to talk them up - to nudge himself into their ranks. But he doesn’t have the want or the motivation for it right now. He still feels ill. He succeeded, and that’s good and great and all, but-</p>
<p>He can’t snap out of the daze he’s in. There is no blood on his hands - never was -, but he keeps turning them this way and that as if he’d find something if he kept looking, as if it would show up by itself to mark him. It’s enough to make his skin itch.</p>
<p>“Good haul today, huh, Shima?” one of his squad members asks. He’s an older man, has this self satisfied little smirk. He barely even had to do anything. He was the backup. He didn’t-</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Renzou agrees weakly with a ghost of a smirk, “went faster than planned.” He can’t conjure up his usually demeanor. He’s tired to the bone. Yamantaka’s voice just after that moment keeps playing on repeat in his mind. When he- when he aimed too high and held on too long.</p>
<p>(“<em>Renzou, he’s dead</em>,” the demon says, irritated, “<em>let’s go</em>.”</p>
<p>And Renzou freezes up, because that isn’t <em>the plan, </em>he isn’t supposed to-.)</p>
<p>The funny thing is, the only one upset with the fact that Renzou had committed murder today is… Renzou. Everyone else is praising him on a job well done. Like, he’s always known that the Illuminati is a fucked up bunch, but he’s only really processing the fact now.</p>
<p>(He wants to go home but that’s not really an option anymore.)</p>
<p>“Shima, you wanna come for a celebratory drink with us later?” a different squad member asks after he gets nudged in the side by one of the guys, “We’re gonna order some food too - squad leader’s treat!” They’re all smiling. How can they do that?</p>
<p>“I’m underage,” Renzou replies dumbly. Then, he thinks about it a little more, realises that if he doesn’t join them then he’ll be left to his own devices and says, “But I’d love to.”</p>
<p>“Sweet. You’re alright, kid,” the man says. </p>
<p>No, Renzou smiles wryly, he <em>isn’t</em>.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>He only has nightmares for a week, and they only wake him up in cold sweat for three of those days.</p>
<p>Honestly, he’s glad...</p>
<p>That it happened too fast. That he didn’t get a good look. That there’s no details to haunt him, no images lingering in his mind like malevolent ghosts. In his nightmares, he just sees the man down on the floor, and he- he still looks alive.</p>
<p>Renzou can’t make peace with it.</p>
<p>He hadn’t checked for breathing or a pulse; hadn’t had the time to. Who knows - Yamantaka could be wrong. Maybe the man is at home with his family.</p>
<p>Maybe Renzou isn’t a murderer.</p>
<p>…at least that’s what he finds himself thinking - the thought keeps coming up, unbidden. Is he hoping for it? Does he believe that Yamantaka could make such a mistake? He doesn’t know. He’s wary to think so.</p>
<p>It’s so terrible, not being sure. It eats him up inside. There’s a hole that is growing in his being.</p>
<p>“Whatever you’re thinking so hard on,” a voice breaks him out of his trance, “You should stop. It can’t be healthy.”</p>
<p>Renzou jolts, looking at Toudou in surprise. Had he really not seen the man approach? He looks around, and indeed there’s more people gathered already than he remembers seeing.</p>
<p>Toudou looks at him, completely unreadable.</p>
<p>“Ah, I was just thinking of an assignment,” Renzou admits vaguely after too long a pause.</p>
<p>“Mmm,” Toudou hums, the corner of his mouth rising just a notch. Obviously not buying it. The man turns to face the dais, not saying anything more. Homare and Lucifer’s bodyguards already are already there, looking graceful and imposing as they stand at rest, waiting.</p>
<p>Renzou bites his tongue, knowing the quiet is actually a provocation. An opening so that he might slip up and show his hand. Renzou won’t fall for it and he isn’t talk about <em>this</em>, especially not to Toudou of all people.</p>
<p>All the illuminati members show up bit by bit for the weekly briefing - soon enough the room is rather crowded. </p>
<p>Lucifer arrives, walking by himself up to the podium. The weekly brief starts with the usual motivational speech, has some facts and numbers in the middle from some other important people, and ends with the new weekly goals and plans. The heads of every department get their moment to say a word or two, to pledge their devotion, to promise their best efforts for the purpose of achieving their goals.</p>
<p>Renzou used to be awed by these briefings. Now he knows it’s just propaganda - phrases and delusions of grandeur, packaged up and recycled each week. Nothing more than a way to keep their members placid and docile and agreeable.</p>
<p>The briefing ends with the pledge, and then the people start scattering when Lucifer declares the briefing over.</p>
<p>Homare steps down from the dais and starts walking towards Renzou.</p>
<p>“Hmm, she’s looking a little angry today,” Toudou says teasingly, “did you get in trouble, Shima-kun?”</p>
<p>Renzou swallows nervously, unsure what to think or say. He- he hasn’t done anything wrong, why is he getting all prickly?</p>
<p>“No, I’m not,” Homare says curtly, looking sharply at her father, “stop messing with him.”</p>
<p>Toudou laughs and holds his hands up in mock surrender, “Fine, fine. I’ll go now, say what you came to say,” his gaze flits to Renzou again, a eyes glinting, “Good luck with you assignment, Shima-kun.” And then he turns to walk away.</p>
<p>“What assignment?” Homare asks, brow furrowing as she eyes the man’s retreating form dubiously.</p>
<p>“It’s nothing,” Renzou says, a little defensively, “What did you want with me, ma’am?”</p>
<p>“We’re sending you out for another mission today,” she says, “Be in hangar bay three in two hours. They’ll brief you on the way. And dress warm.”</p>
<p>“Oh- alright,” Renzou isn’t sure if he’s ready for another mission, “I’ll be there.”</p>
<p>“Good,” Homare says simply, and then turns to leave.</p>
<p>Renzou stays standing there for a moment longer. </p>
<p><em>‘Whatever you’re thinking so hard on, you should stop. It can’t be healthy.</em>’</p>
<p>Perhaps, despite coming from a rather un-trustworthy source, there’s some merit to the words... Renzou <em>should </em>stop thinking about it. Should stop wondering and guessing, should stop looking at the ‘what if’s.</p>
<p>It… doesn’t really matter if the man is alive or dead. It doesn’t really matter if Renzou is a murderer. He knew when he joined that he would make hard decisions and commit acts he otherwise would not. It’s only a matter of time.</p>
<p>Renzou needs to stay focused and sharp. Needs to cast away these worries, this weakness.</p>
<p>He only really needs to worry about the present. The rest is either a mystery, or history not worth remembering.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I love Renzou ok thanks. ❤</p></blockquote></div></div>
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